today my mother and i went out with some ladies from church
movies- saw "The Secret Life of Bees" looovely movie...i love Dakota!
lunch- BJ's it's been so long sense i've been there..it was so tasty!
& walk at the lake to help digest the feast we had ..the weather was lovely today
while walking at the lake the women started to talk about their lives, how they related to the movie & to the times (1960's) ..of course i didn't have much input on the 60's but i was so intrigued that even if i had been there i wouldn't of had much to say..lol
i never knew what these women did for a living...i've only known them to be retired
i had an ex-lawyer, principal, real estate agent, and scientist in front of me
they each shared their struggles..even my mom revealed a few things that i never knew
things that make everything so much clearer...things that erased any resentment i had towards her
it's amazing how simple it is to underestimate the value of some of the people around you.
all this time i've had the answers right in front of my face, but i was too busy seeking out the negative to realize what jewels these women were
the majority of my friends that i hang out with on a regualar basis aren't quite established as i am and haven't even began to experience some the REAL hurt that life has to offer, so when they come to me with their problems it at times seems a little petty to me. of course i've always tried to give them the best advice i can, but it was starting to take a strain on me. i had no where to go with the problems of my own. seems like no one is ever interested in discussing the heavy stuff..no one can look me in my eye...they almost always immediately become interested in their nails, some spot in the sky, or start searching through their phones
...but...
today it felt great to be on the other side of the table. to be the one with what seemed to be the petty problems. to be around women who had been through what i've been through but worst. women who carried around burdens much heavier than i could ever phathom. i told them my story moment for moment, detail for detail...a story that i never thought i would be able to tell anyone. & had in some kind of weird way tucked it away..i had no longer seen it as my story..it had transformed in to my secret and i had been guarding it with my life from the rest of the world...i hid it so good that sometimes if i was lucky i would forget it even existed...but then there were those nights when it definitely came back to haunt me. nights when no one else was around and i had to face the truth. getting this off my chest was not only a special moment for me but for my mother as well because i had never told her the complete story either. it felt good to get this off my chest and not worry about being ashamed or judged, and i could see they felt my pain.
we sat at that bench for hours and cried, cried, cried.
but with each tear i shed...i felt my load getting lighter and lighter
i cried for them , i cried for me, and i cried because a piece of me wished that i could of done this along time ago...that i could have shared this moment with someone else
and just maybe everything would be different ...we would be where we're supposed to be
...but then i realized everything that was supposed to happen did
& i'm ready to take on whatever else the world has in store for me
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16 comments:
first off let's just say you are on point with the song. i love india and to be honest i had forgot about her for a minute but me and her have some catching up to do thanks to you. this entry really touched me and whatever its you went through im glad to know that you are dealing with it. i never knew you had anything you were struggling with but i guess everything isnt always as peachy keen as it seems. keep ya head up aims
too often we take our elders for granted thinking we know everything when we dont know squat
yooooooooooooooooo my friend told me to check this out. i guess she read it and wanted me to because i'm going through a divorce right now. and i come here and i see the little girl in the pic not thinking anything of it. i am exploring the blog and its you. my "mini meme". do you remember me jennifer caldwell. we took both of prof newmans classes together we used to be so tight. i miss you. but thank you. do you remember when we got done reading our papers in our peer editing section prof newman used to always make us thank the person for sharing their paper? even if it was whack and we all know max papers were always whack but he was so fine so we kept him in the group. sophmore year the memories. pretty soon we're gonna be old bitties. i always envied your ability to get your point across and keep things straight and to the point. you know it always took me like 20 pages. maybe i should write a book. so where are you now? do you have myspace? i would love to keep in touch maybe go out for lunch if you havent moved to europe or back to puerto rico cause i'm sure you graduated by now
i needed this
christa
yeah i had forgot about her for a min too lol but ironically when i woke up i happen to find my old ipod i havent seen in months...put the headphones in my ear and that was the first song that played..and i was like how great this song fits in perfectly...
but i've never been a person to wear my heart on my sleeve and i wouldnt neccessarily say i hide my emotions but its been along time since i've let anybody in close enough to really really let go
___________________________*
anony #1
yes we do and my mom has always warned me about it...but time after time i ignored her i just always thought well things are different now..their not the same as they were 20yrs ago ..and they may be slightly different but its still a never ending cycle
___________________________*
jenny from the block
YES! i will never forget you! i was wondering whatever happend to you. i think the last time i saw you was when i ran into you at the mall...i think you were working i'm not sure
but as for max
i still keep in touch with him
well i went to canada not too long and i saw him there ....trust me he is not the same cutie he used to be..like you can see the max in him but hes gained tons of weight but he's still a sweetheart...he came to cali not too long ago ...he's married and has 2 beautiful children oh and guess who he married...FRANCIS!
yes im still in cali..alot of things have changed..as much as i used to talk about going back to pr..im so happy here that i wouldnt
i do have myspace...add me
myspace.com/adorkabletestpage
or email me
graphikgenius@gmail.com
or aim me
yupitsmeaimee
& i'll give you my number
when you hit me up we def gotta hang!
i believe that was around christmas like two years ago. i was working at forever 21. so max lives in canda? and i can't believe he married francis. i'm so happy for her i know she was crazy about him. i wondered what she did to get him to feel the same because i know that boy used to hate her with a passion. max not cute i gotta see it to believe it. he still would make a sexy chubster. he was beautiful okay let me get off francis man. did you get married? do you have any children? let me tell the crazy story my friend who told me read your blog is the new creative director (mary) at the mag you used to intern at thats how she knew about you. so she invited me to dinner and i met kyle and his wife and he told me all about you and your success. congrats! why did you leave? girl they miss you there? i saw your issue it was amazing you are such a talented writer. im so glad to see you made it. im going to their christmas banquet please tell me you will be there. i took down your contacts i am definitely going to get in touch with you asap
i think the hardest part with me letting people get close to me especially men is they always seem to have some sort of hidden agenda and it always comes out at the end. i hate being used
this is why your inspirational
yeah i guess they moved there when francis' mom passed away
he says they love it there
but their looking to move to cali
so maybe we can get the old gang back together
so many memories of us hanging out in the quad
i have some pics to send you oldies but goodies
im sure they'll bring back some good memories
no im not married
and i certainly dont have any children lol
how ever nae did and i have a beautiful neice & nephew
might as well be my kids
they did wonders for the fam
as for the mag
i left for a number of dif reasons
1. i got too complacent there and lost sight of what i had set out to do originally
2. im doing graphic design full time now ..i love it!
i went to one of their events not too long ago
and i didnt know you knew mary...you didnt hear this from me but their looking to get rid of her idk where shes getting her talent from but it was pretty bad ..people were just getting up and leaving it was so bad
hes trying get me to come back and take the position they were offering me when i left...and im seriously thinking about it..i miss them..i miss that job it was very fullfilling i just dont know if im ready to travel like that again ..and of course we're gonna have to work out some serious issues as far as my salary goes..cause they just want too much from me but im sure it'll all come together and i have someone i want to talk things over with before i really make my decision
but yes i'll be at the banquet..but i still wanna hang before dec lol
she is inspirational because someone else taught her something? you guys are stupid
no shes inspirational because she knows how to take the lessons that people teach her and apply them. too many people are out thinking they know everything already
awwww not mrs.p. i would love to hang before the party but i will not be back in california until the party. i am in the uk studying abroad. which is why i have not called you and i forgot the password to my email and i am never on myspace so i need that password to and to get that password i need to check my email. so you get the point lol. but yeah im here the program im in is excellent this is my last semester and then graduation. i already have a job lined up with paramount when i get back. allen got me the hook up on that so i guess he was good for something lol. i was sure that you would be married by now. i just knew you were gonna marry that guy who had that big showcase. his voice was so beautiful i never knew anybody who could sing a maxwell song better than maxwell himself! and not to mention he was gorgeous. are you guys still together? i hope so you two were so perfect for each other. you should absolutely milk a good deal out of kyle and go back to the magazine. but of course not if its going to interfere with your dreams no need to have any feelings of what if 50 years down the line. oh and dont worry i wont tell mary your secret is safe with me
Oh oh..India, my wife. 'Brown Skin..You know I.." Ok, ahem, lemme focus.
Very honest indeed.
Crying can be so therapeutic, even as a man, I can attest to that. Lesson to be learned here fellas.
But that is wonderful that you can see some sorta light at the end of that proverbial 'tunnel'. Living with a secret that is/was the source of pain is hard.
Finding someone or a few people to confide in and release negative energy is a blessing.
Love yourself, love life and your family. Life is too Short to hold back.
You're beautiful Aim' and What dont kill you will only make you Stronger. :)
i guess i always knew that
"what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger"
but i tucked that away in the back of my mind
cause i guess at that moment
when whatever is cause the pain
always seems to be stabbing away at me
breaking me down piece by piece
but thats only the spare of the moment thing
usually that next day i wake up feeling a bit
refreshed..if not totally..with a clear mind
i guess having a clear mind is my number one goal
too hard to come up with a solution when everything is all cloudy
Well Said.
Good for you Aim'.
If you can find that silver lining that is usually hidden behind the dark clouds then more power to you.
Being resilient in the face of adversity is so important.
It is however, easier said than done.
Just wanted to say I really enjoyed reading your blog, I hope I have an experience like that one day
>^..^<
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