Sick...
to my stomach
i've always been a visual person
and i guess no matter what i know in my mind
it never really sets in until i SEE it
i've always been a risk taker
99.9% of the time when people tell me
theres going to be a consequence (good or bad)
more than likely i'm the one testing them to see if their bluffing
the two together make a deadly combination
about a year ago
my sister & i took a late night trip to go pick my aunt
she lives about a hour & a half away
we were really sleepy so we decided to chat to stay awake
conversations with my sister barely hardly ever scratch the surface..
i talk to her as if i'm talking to a random person on the street
but this time..
things were different
we started to play the "remember when..." game
which led to her telling me about her past
and when she was finished she made a statement that sent chills down my spine
she told me that looking back on everything now made her realize something about herself (i wont go as far to say what it was)
i started to think how horrible she was
...BUT...
today i see that same thing in myself
how did i let things get this bad?
when did i loose control?
have i missed my last chance to fix it?
i feel like poison
17 comments:
alot of times we have this i can do whatever i want attitude nothing will phase me but none of us are invincible maybe you just met your match
THAT IS MY BIGGEST FEAR. TO STEP BACK DO A SELF EVALUATION NOT LIKE WHAT I SEE AND SEE NO SOLUTION OUT. IVE BEEN THERE AND ITS NOTHING PRETTY BUT EVERYTHING WE GO THROUGH ONLY MAKES US STRONGER IN THE END
dont let things get so bad that you runaway everyone who cares about you. theres nothing more painful than hitting rock bottom and having no one around to help you get back up
i sent you an email wanted to comment but its kind of personal so check it and get back. love ya babez!
Okay..So maybe this 'Blog' should be entilted: "Girls Only"...
Because I can't figure out what the gist of this was w/o the 'juicy details' that you intentionally left out.. Of course all females will know exactly what you're getting at. Me, Clueless.
**Word of advice Fellas: Stay away from this Particular Blog!
Its like when your girl asks you: "Sweetie, think i'm getting fat?"..Just say: "Hell No Babe, if anything I think you're getting too skinny"...
:)
Germaine you are a wise person.
Im wit yah. Its kinda like when your young and u say u dont wanna do wat your parents did, but then you wake up one day doing something your parent do. Then you realize we are the way we are because of many things.
one being the environment and the things that happened to them are happening to us as we get older, but we couldnt see these things as children.
certain things that had happend to me ..i felt had already been the worst of what is yet to come ..i overcame those things (so i thought) and it did give me that invincible feeling..
but i realized my problem is i never REALLY dealt with it..and in fact i still dont know how to deal with it..and now i feel like i waited too long and people are gonna have this "get over it already" attitude so i dont know where or who to go to for help
___________________________*
i think that's where i need to make my first modification
my definition of strong
that's been a big part of whats holding me back
___________________________*
i wouldn't go as far to say i've hit rock bottom lol
at this point it's not really about the people
it's about me
not trying to seem self centered
or anything
but if im not happy with myself
there's no way on earth i'll have anything positive to offer anyone
else
___________________________*
i didnt intend for this blog to be "girls only" lol
i didn't really intend on anyone having any clue as to what i'm talking about so it was more of a "me only" sort of thing lol
it is never too late to go back and make things right. you may not get the outcome you expected but the important thing is that you cleared you conscience and did what you felt was right
no thats not true..it's not enough
thats the same thing i've been doing all along..what i feel is right
what i feel is right
and i what i KNOW is right are two totally different things
and i've gotten waaay too complacent in doing things to clear my conscience that the selfish thing to do
if you ever master getting what you feel and what you know in line with each other give me a ring because i am so lost when it comes to that
so what is your definition of strong?
what is it that you feel people are gonna be like just get over it already?
:)
Thanks for the Clarification Aim'.. a 'Me' Blog huh? Lol!
Listen Babe:
1. Life is short.Dont spend too much time dwelling on any one thing that isn't directly realted to Loving, Creating, Learning or Living.
2. Self esteem is a woman's greatest weapon. I've dealt with some of the most intelligent and beautiful sisters who were so insecure/unsure in themselves that their lack of self esteem was SHOCKING to me.
3. Family is so Important. As i've gotten older i've realized that. I love my Fam' unconditionally now because none of us are perfect. It would be unwise for me to hate on my Father for making the same mistakes that i'm making now..Love you Dad!
4. We do learn so much as time passes. Everything comes full circle and makes more sense. Youre thinking: "Damn, if only i knew this when I was 18, Shit!!"
Lol @ how much everyone that responded to this Blog is literally BEGGING for details... LOL!(some more so than others)
You're a Tease Aim'. Might have been totally unintentional on your part but now i'm intrigued and I WANT DETAILS!!
I might even go on a hnger strike if Juicy tid bits aren't provided.
:)
you go on a hunger strike i dont think so you..your around food waaaaaaaay too much to not eat it ... a hunger strike would prob lead to some serious depression considering how much you love food
1. this is in fact related to those things..cause theres no way i can give any of this things my all without solving this problem first
2. there is no problem with my self esteem...but i know that there are certain things im failing at right now & i guess it really bothers me the most because the things that i struggle with the most are the things that come easily to others and the things that challenge others are the things that i can get and have had with just a snap of my finger
3. family is indeed the most important thing in my life but i have yet to figure out how to fit them ...well fit everything else in with them
4. idk if that necessarily true if i knew what i know now when i was 18 it wouldnt have mattered..i prob would have still made some of the same bonehead decisions and never really grasped exactly how valuable this knowledge is
Aw, you responded!!!
*note to self: Check Aims' Blogs regularly for updates.lol.
Well said. And the comment I made pertaining to self esteem was random, I just had that on my mind. It just amazes me how much beautiful sisters I've known with very low self esteem(I've noticed that a lot of times its related to growing up with out a father or 'Father figure').
Thanks for sharing my FFF homie!!!!
Hugs.
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